From jaguar@claw.wimsey.com Mon May 16 15:13:33 PDT 1994 In article <2quv2a$b9e@illuminati.io.com> glaz@illuminati.io.com (Yevgeny Glazamitsky) writes: Hey, my STUDLY-OS article lives on! That's the second time I've seen it in two days. I never expected it still to be floating around after all this time (you can tell when it was written because it makes references to NT still being in beta...) I noticed that someone snipped off the last paragraph, another quotation. This is criminal and I will be sending all my virtual lawyers after your x-Armenian grandparents... I've added it on again, after gratuitously quoting the entire message. Enjoy (again!) >STUDLY-OS!! >=========== > >Version 1.0 > >The Only Operating System You Will Ever Need! >--------------------------------------------- > >PREFACE > >Now that HappyNet is up and running, and Leader Kibo is ably directing the >entire world with his custom Mondo Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV (see HappyNet >Manifesto), the fastest and best computer ever built in the history of time >and space (second best was Deep Thought), we at STUDLY RESEARCH, INC. have >come up with an operating system that is simultaneously capable of keeping up >with Kibo's needs and sufficing for general use by all the rest of the common >and sometimes ignorant citizens of this planet, and of any other planets we >can think of. > >No doubt you have been endlessly entertained by the furious religious >operating system wars now taking place on the PC hardware arena. Should you >be content with DOS and Windows? No! Should you switch to OS/2? NO! Should >you try your luck running a buggy Windows NT beta? NEVER! How about >NeXTstep/486, or the upcoming Pink, or maybe Apple's System 7/486, or Linux, >or Cray XMP-OS/486? > >NONE OF THESE!!! We at STUDLY RESEARCH, INC. have come up with a solution so >superior that the entire industry will soon switch over to our operating >system and accompanying software. Microsoft will fold and Bill Gates will >get a job working at a 7-11, handing out coupons. Apple will also collapse >and John Sculley will be found lying unconscious in a pool with a can of >Pepsi and a hypodermic needle lying nearby. IBM will survive, but will be >forced to lay off another 400,000,000 employees, and eventually end up as a >subsidiary of the Moscow McDonalds. The only surviving companies will be the >cheap clone manufacturers, producing faster and cheaper machines with the >label "STUDLY-COMPATIBLE" and "SPC" proudly displayed on the front panel. > >WHAT IS STUDLY-OS? > >STUDLY-OS is the result of over three decades of intense operating systems >reasearch at STUDLY LABS, also known as the STUDLY LABORATORIES FOR USER >TRIUMPH, or SLUT. Extensive research with actual humans at SLUT, instead of >the trained chimps used in most useability labs such as Xerox PARC*, >Microsoft BARF** and Borland SNOOZE***, has determined that people are less >interested in operating systems that offer a wide selection of native >programs, or have a pretty interface, or simply go 'bing', than they are in >the concept of an operating system that will quite simply solve ALL of their >problems for them. > >STUDLY-OS is that operating system. > >Not only will STUDLY-OS make any clone computer, from a ten year-old XT to a >486/330DX10, capable of doing more than all the former operating systems ever >developed, it will also QUICKLY, SEAMLESSLY and INVISIBLY solve all of their >personal problems and make them happy, rich, sexually irresistable and >permanently wonderful. > >BUT WHAT IS THE COST? > >Nothing. We at STUDLY RESEARCH, INC. have gained from our own inventions to >the extent that we are already happy, rich, sexually irresistable and >permanently wonderful. We are offering STUDLY-OS to the public free of >charge. Every ftp site will soon be carrying, and running under, STUDLY-OS, >and free diskette, CD-ROM and Braille copies will be available at bookstores, >K-Marts and oil refineries worldwide. > >HOW IS THIS TECHNOLOGICAL MIRACLE ACCOMPLISHED? > >Most of the developments at STUDLY RESEARCH, INC. are of course >patent-protected and highly secret, although we do not balk at hyping >tantalizing tidbits of STUDLY technology, simply to gain free press coverage. > >STUDLY-OS is built around a nanokernel, the advanced descendant of >microkernel operating systems available today. Our crack team of coders, >hackers and pizza enthusiasts took an early beta of Microsoft's Windows NT, >completely disassembled and analyzed the code, and then built STUDLY-OS by >doing everything completely differently. We'd like to thank Microsoft for >$69 well spent as a helpful exercise on how NOT to design operating systems. > >Whereas NT's microkernel is fat enough to tip over a BUS, STUDLY-OS's >nanokernel fits in under 1k. Instead of a multiple message queue, STUDLY-OS >uses a method where messages are intercepted before the application in >question has even sent them out. We redesigned the Windows interface to >appeal less to schizophrenics and came up with a fully object-oriented system >where the objects not only were oriented with respect to each other, but >oriented themselves to best suit the individual computer user, including >sexual and political preferences. No longer is the system merely >user-friendly, it is positively user-worshipping! > >THE OPERATING SYSTEM RESPECTS THE USER > >People work in different ways, and STUDLY-OS automatically adjusts to this, >PAINLESSLY, SEAMLESSLY, SMOOTHLY and INVISIBLY. We realize that most >computer users want their operating systems to pretty much stay out of the >way and run any application they choose to throw at it. STUDLY-OS handles >all file manipulation. YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH ANOTHER CONFIGURATION FILE OR >MENU AGAIN! > >For example, when the user sticks the first disk of an application in a >drive, or even in between the little air vents in the front of the case, >STUDLY-OS automatically determines what the application is, where it should >be installed and how it should be set up, and then proceeds to build the rest >of the application based on the contents of the first disk, taking out >features which you will never use and adding those which the software >manufacturer blindly left out. It then opens the icon editor and lets you >create the ultimate icon for that application, filling in any tedious or >difficult painting bits along the way. It then adds sound and animation to >the icon, and while you watch, loads the application in the background and >does your work for you while you play a quick game of Wing Commander III. > >STUDLY-OS IS COMPATIBLE > >Not sure if your application will run under STUDLY-OS? > >STUDLY-OS runs ALL software programs written for DOS (including those using >VCPI, DPMI and Shmoodoo memory management, by rewriting and optimizing the >code before installing) Windows (including Win32, Win32s, Win32c, Win32nb, >Win32ack and Win32thbbth!), OS/2, GEM, AmigaDOS (including games which refuse >to run on any Amiga past a 500), NeXTstep, Unix (STUDLY-OS maintains a >daily-updated database on every Unix variation in existence, and >automatically recompiles any Unix program in the background to work on your >system) TRS-DOS, Apple ][ DOS and ProDOS, Macintosh Systems 1 through 9, >Timex-Sinclair ZX81 programs, Atari 2600, Nintendo and Sega game cartridges, >Heathkit HDOS, CP/M (including utilities that used weird Z80 opcodes), >Epson's Q-DOS, Cromenco DOS, RISC OS, Commodore C=64, 128, VIC-20 and Plus/4 >programs, and Coleco ADAM software. If STUDLY-OS encounters an application >written for a platform it does not support, it rewrites it to conform to >established standards. If STUDLY-OS senses that a particular application is >not running at sufficient speed, it rewrites the code until it exceeds the >performance on the best hardware available. For example, one user managed to >get STUDLY-OS to run Strike Commander on his XT with 8-bit VGA, and noted >that the game response was "very smooth, at least 60 frames per second with >no flicker or pauses that I could find." > >STUDLY-OS OFFERS SUPERIOR COMPRESSION > >Although the operating system itself, due to incredibly tight and sexy >coding, fits into less than 32k of RAM and 500k of disk space, we realized >that most user's applications are reaching such gargantuan sizes that we >decided to include an advanced disk-compression package with the product. > >16:1 LOSSLESS COMPRESSION!! Yes, the reason this mythical product was never >released to the marketplace was because we bought it out. Lock, stock, and >barrel. You can compress a compressed file as many times as you like until >all programs are down to the theoretical minimum of 1k! Yet still not lose >any data. Of course, with all your programs at 1k, uncompression may take a >little longer. However, we feel the extra disk space is truly worth it. >Most graphics files, including .JPGs and .GIFs, can be safely compressed down >to less than 32 bytes, especially the nudes, which all look pretty much the >same anyway. Pictures of Madonna can be packed as small as 1 byte. > >STUDLY-OS IS HERE, NOW! > >No Microsoft FUD. No promises of shipments "when it's ready". STUDLY-OS >_IS_ ready and available for you to install NOW! What are you waiting for? > >STUDLY-OS IS BUG-FREE! > >Others promise, but we deliver. We don't have to name our product 3.1 just >to fool people into thinking that it is a tested system. STUDLY-OS is, and >will always be, version 1.0! There will never be a need for an upgrade! > >And no, if you discover a bug, we don't send in the SWAT team to prove that >you are an inconsiderate moron with the technical knowledge of a squashed >gnat that can't even find his way out of the refridgerator. In fact, if you >do find a bug, we are prepared to give you a $1 million prize, and an >all-expenses paid tour to the fabulous STUDLY RESEARCH LABS in beautiful >Barbados, where you will get to meet the STUDLY-OS design team and go for >dinner and drinks! Then we will send out patches to everyone in the world >free of charge. > >COMPARE STUDLY-OS WITH THOSE "OTHER" SYSTEMS! > > >Feature STUDLY-OS! DOS/ OS/2 NT Unix > Windows > >Nanokernel technology YES! No No Hah! No >16:1 Lossless compress YES! No No No No >Free Origin game YES! No No Heh!! HAH! > (rewritten to actually > handle memory the way > sane people would) >Automatically finishes >important work for you YES! No No No Work??? >Free hyper-animator to > make Babylon 5 look > like Popeye cartoons YES! No No No No >Ten million included > .GIFs, .WAVs and .WOWs YES! No No No WOWs? >Automatically optimizes > application code YES! No No Optimize? NO! >Makes you feel sexy YES! HAH!!! No No Sex??? >Tastes good with ice- > cream and chips YES! No No No Food??? >Makes Bill Gates seem > like a weenie YES! Yes Yes Yes Yes >Balances your checkbook YES! No No No Money?? >Washes your car YES! No No No Automobiles? >Improves self-esteem YES! No No Worsens Suicide >Makes you rich YES! No No No sorry >Supports SMP YES! No Soon Yes Sometimes >REQUIRES SMP No No No Yes No >Message-passing YES! No Yes Yes Yes >Message-losing No No No Yes core dumped >Message-SENSING YES! No No No guru >Zen YES! No No No flower >Software support GREAT! Lame OK Where? Software?? >Technical assistance NONE NEEDED! No No No ARMM >Documentation quality GREAT! Docs? OK Huh? grep >General studliness SUPER! Ouch! So-so ICK! alt.angst > >RAM requirements 32k 640k 8 meg 16 meg How much??? >Disk space required 500k 1 meg 30 meg 80 meg rm * >OSes supported 24 1 3 3 Support? > >Price Free! $60 $99 $495 $0 < n < $oo > > >HERE ARE SOME REAL-LIFE QUOTES OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE USED STUDLY-OS! > >"I love it! It makes me want to eat!" > - Rush Limbaugh > >"Since it doesn't have the name Windows on it, it is an irrelevant platform." > - Bill Gates > >"We will develop applications for STUDLY-OS if they sell two million copies > in the first year, but they won't sell more than 25, no matter how many > they actually sell." > - Bill Gates > >"Would you like fries with that?" > - Bill Gates > >"It's a beautiful day in the Studlyhood" > - Fred Rogers > >"Pull the other one!" > - Patsy > >"This is the most impressive operating system I have ever seen in my entire >life. It makes everything else seem like damp kleenex. However, it will >surely fail and become a dead operating system and fail and FAIL FAIL FAIL it >MUST FAIL!!!! because it doesn't have the power of Microsoft's marketing >behind it." > - Paul Somerson > >"I'm sure I've used STUDLY-OS before" > - Shirley MacLaine > >"I will be introducing the new STUDLY-OS-compliant retroactive moderation >specifications directly to the Net" > - Dick Depew > >"I'm sorry, but I happen to own the copyrights to the letters O and S. > Please send me all your money right away." > - James "Kibo" Parry > >"ACK! PFT!" > - Bill The Ceo > **AND NOW THE BIT THAT WAS MYSTERIOUSLY DELETED WITHOUT MY CONSENT*** "STUDLYOS SUCKS!!!1111 Y00 THINK ITZ C00L BUT YOUR RONG!!!!!11111 I CANT RUN IT ON MY AM1GA SO WHAT YOOS IS IT????/ MY AM1GA BEATS YOR PEECEE ANYDAY!!!!!! !!!11111111 PEECEE EVEN WITH STUDLYOS CANT BEET AMIGA BECAUSE AMIGA RULES!!!! AMIGA IZ BETTER BECAUSE IT IS AMIGA!!!1111 NOTHING ELSE IS AMIGA!!!11111" - B1FF **END OF THE MYSTERIOUSLY DELETED BIT*** >* Palo Alto Research Center >** Boring Applications Rarely Fascinate >*** Stupid Nonsensical Object-Oriented Ziff-Davis Enema > >HappyNet, Mondo Zeugma, and O and S are trademarks of Kibo. >Windows is NOT a trademark of Microsoft. >B1FF is a trademark of himself. > >Enjoy! -- Jeremy "OS/2ibo" Reimer Completely uninvolved in the Imminent Death of the Net since 1989. "This is the snobbery of the people on the Mayflower looking down their noses at the people who came over ON THE SECOND BOAT!" - Mitch Kapor, on Usenet elitism