Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Path: jfwhome!spdcc!grapevine.lcs.mit.edu!uhog.mit.edu!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!library.ucla.edu!csulb.edu!csus.edu!netcom.com!rone From: rone@netcom.com (turns brown when autoclaved) Subject: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE (was: Insomnesia) Message-ID: Organization: MOON MONGERS INC. References: <2t57p1$5d7@ncar.ucar.edu> Date: Thu, 9 Jun 1994 23:45:25 GMT IN TODAY'S EPISODE OF "CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE", YOUR PREMISE IS: In article <2t57p1$5d7@ncar.ucar.edu>, Ilana wrote: >I have forgotten how to sleep. PAGE 1 You check your body for hints: If you are covered in scales, go to page 2 If you are covered in feathers, go to page 3 If you are covered in clothes, go to page 4 If you are covered in fur or hair, go to page 7 PAGE 2 Hmmm... scales... If you are breathing air, go to page 5 If you are breathing water, go to page 6 PAGE 3 You're obviously a bird. If you have WIDE eyes and hoot, go to page 8 If you do not, go to page 9 If you are endangered, go to page 10 PAGE 4 You're very probably a human. Or a human's pet. If you are human, go to page 11. If you are a human's pet, you may sleep whenever, wherever and however the fuck you please. If you're wearing clothes, your owner is most probably a stupid git. PAGE 5 You're a reptile. Or a pangolin. If you are a reptile, you may or may not be nocturnal. Wait for the sun to rise or set and go to sleep. If you are a pangolin, you should not sleep. If you do, you will end up as the Saturday Night Special at Chen's Kung Pao Hut. PAGE 6 You're a fish. Sleep with your eyes open. PAGE 7 Well, you're a mammal. If you moo or neigh, go to page 12. If you don't, i have no idea what you are. Whack yourself behind the head with the nearest heavy object to induce unconsciousness and possibly sleep. PAGE 8 You're an owl, and therefore nocturnal. Sleep during the day. Use those eye covers you get on airplanes if necessary. PAGE 9 You're not an owl. You're probably diurnal. Watch the 11 o' clock news and hit the sack. PAGE 10 You're endangered! You can't sleep! Go hide your ass NOW. PAGE 11 Check your wallet. If it contains money, you are probably gainfully employed. You probably work during the day. Go to sleep as late as possible so that you may jump out of bed and arrive at work no more than 2 minutes late with only a slight mental torpor. If it doesn't, you are either unemployed or a college student. If you are unemployed, go get a job. If you are a college student, sleep during class. If you don't have a wallet, you are unbearably rich. Fuck off. PAGE 12 You're either a cow (if you moo) or a horse (if you neigh). You may sleep standing, but watch out for frat boys. 5150 your eyelids are getting heavy, you are now drifting off to sleep... -- Smiles, bruises, smiles, bruises, Bars in the womb I hide the dirty minutes under the dirty mattress and they are making me itch My time is spilt milk