From btshelp@zeus.tamu.edu Wed Feb 16 21:12:12 PST 1994

The other feeling, I can't quite put my finger on.

They were at the table behind me. I was waiting for M. and B., who would 
get into a stupid argument and glare sullenly at one another until they 
left. But now, the young man at the table behind me was addressing his 
companions:

"It just felt really weird. I mean, all of my friends were getting 
married, and here I was."

I turned to look at him. Gelled hair, square jaw, rugby shirt, those 
horrible Nike sandals with socks. Such are usually invisible to me, though 
I walk through crowds of hundreds every day. I was surprised to hear one 
in a self-reflective moment.

"You know, when you were growing up - when I was a kid - you figured that 
yoou'd go to college, get out in four years, get married, and..."

His friend interrupted: "...And have your life."

Sure, I squirmed when I heard this. You isolate yourself long enough, you 
forget that the cookie cutter is still stamping them out by the thousands. 
Sure, I hated them both then.

But there was something else. I was... charmed? To think that such 
expectations can still survive into one's twenties... Was I comforted, or 
merely amused? It was like hearing that somewhere, there are children who 
still believe in Santa Claus.

But we know that Santa Claus and God are cruel jokes to play on children. 

"And now I'm about to turn 24. I don't have my degree, I'm in another 
state, I don't have a girlfriend..."

I stared at the film on my coffee. I felt kind of sorry for the poor dumb 
bastard. But mostly I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. He'd had 
his entire life to shut up and take a look around, and he's still 
surprised when his life sneaks up and slaps him in the face. 

He thought he'd just ride the track into a future someone else told him he 
wanted. And he gets what he deserves.

But the other thing: envy? I can't imagine what faith must be like. To 
hear him talk, it must have been real nice.


b r e t t