Path: X!frog!cybvax0!mit-eddie!bloom-beacon!think!ames!hao!oddjob!gargoyle!ihnp4!alberta!tim From: tim@alberta.UUCP (The Bonehead) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Subject: Bonehead Survives the Tornado Message-ID: <457@pembina.UUCP> Date: 4 Aug 87 16:55:00 GMT Organization: Bonehead Corp Well, this week the people who like us will be habby, and the people who hate us will be mad! But we don't even care about the mad people, because all we like is the habby people! NEWS BULLETIN Bran-death: The newest disease to strike serial lovers in a long time. Little is understood about this well-known illness, but for the fact that it strikes everybody immediatly after birth. Silly researchers at the University of X have described bran-death as 'the best thing to happen to chartered accountancy since the invention of space itself.' It has revolutionized many fields, and has brought scientific advancement to a standstill since before it ever got started in the first place. A MUSIC REVIEW!! The Talking Bonehead's latest heart-rendering tune of epic proportions, "Don't Bother Me Now, I'm Just Airing Out My Chocolates Baby" leaves one stunned and bewildered all to HEG! The subtle paisley undertones of good vs. bad; of love spilling out of a cup and onto the table; of the plight of the flightless, yet sanguine penguin truly makes the stomach turn. The quasi-musical brilliance really slams the mind into a blissful quandry -- much like being hit on the head with a mallot. This timely tune elicits vivid images of the Norwegian fjords as seen by such unknowns as Homer Fjordbotten in the late twelfth century. The listener is then plastered with the unexpected 'Mickey-Mouse' imitation of a tuba solo, leaving one to writhe on the floor in a pitiful mass of quivering flesh! Zoom Fried-man and the Shaking Shoelace has laced the market with his first smashed hit single "You Can Only Smash Your Head Open Once Baby". $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ Surrealistic Images: Every now and then during the Bonehead's imagination practice we get the urge to just play with words and confound ourself beyond all understanding. Here are some of the wacky delusions from the depths of our hypothalmus: Picture THIS if you will: There is a very large, black furry rodent playing with a fluorescent hockey ball which has a purple mark on it due to a jiffy marker. The rodent is then swooped up in a tidal wave and is transported to a jungle island that is totally barren, except for a luxury hotel. The rodent is then eaten by a strange sticky creature that makes strange laughing noises as he eats his prey while scratching his claw on the inside of a dead clam. The pair of mittens are gently wafting in the breeze creating quite a furor over the colony of giant toads. Picture THIS if you will: Twelve small brown trees surrounded by dancing rabbits wearing yellow and blue uniforms serving tea to a king and queen sitting in a throne watching over the peaceful meadow where the prairie dogs are having lance fights and fireworks explode overhead causing ash to get everybody all dusty and very unhappy, and then WORLD WAR III starts and everybody dies. Picture THIS if you will: Imagine a large furry cannibalistic parrod saying "Polly wanna neutron bomb" flying over a large convention of travelling Banana salesmen who suddenly go swimming in a large vat of boiling syrup and then get poured onto a giant pancake for the little cute frog eat on his whey to the store on a monday morning next to the little cat who is really trying to find a little piece of goop he lost on the whey to his freinds house which is in the middle of a frigging LAGOON. Picture THIS if you will: A large polar icecap is zooming down the freewhey in search of the lost treasure of the San Andreas fault, but a pink scaly 3 legged behemoth, sucking on a horse head no less, trips the icecap and consequently floods the entire Andreas fault, lubricating it very effectively and causing southern California to not slip into the ocean as many would have expected, but rather float of in a north westerly direction at precisely 4 knots per minute, creating quite a frigging wave. Picture THIS if you will: Four crazed U of A students sitting in a PIG PEN typing awhey at their terminals, interspersed by brief moments of spasmodic laughter, with two other not so crazed computing students working awhey right next to them not even awhere of what is going on, but nevertheless being infiltrated by deadly PSYCHO-WAVES which sooner or later will render them into babbling lunatigs. Picture THIS if you will: On the edge of a not-so-dry desert is a small reptile selling ice cream to any hapless creadure that desides to scamper by, but little did the reptile know (this could be any reptile, except the dreaded Gila Monster (pronounced 'Heela')) that inside his little frigid BOX was a piece of EVIL. Then all of a sudden a grass storm swept the little reptile and his frigid box of evil into the desert where nothing really ever even happened to him except that he got trodden on by a very large antelope wearing basketball shoes, being chased by none other than the dreaded owner of the shoes -- Mr. BIG. Picture THIS if you will: Several Liberian spelunkers flagellating vicariously (like a vicar) in the solar wind while Mathra swoops down and utilizes his infamous breath-weapon on the now-shapeless blob that once was E. F. Hutton's personal masseuse. 'What a senseless waist of human life,' said the semi-conscious Eskimo as he pulled the harpoon out of dorsal mid-brain of the angst-ridden super-hero, "Nihilman." 'Yes,' replied his stenographer, but at least it's over now and we can retire to our own private wildebeast ranch south of Dieppe. Picture this if you will: A picture of a picture within a picture, with no subject but instead ate pengiuns frying up a roast squid for dinner and passing around a 26oz of pure Zombie alcohol getting plastered out of their little minds all wearing little red spotted bow ties and singing "Yellow Submaring" and doing Ringo Starr impersonations while jumping up and down, patting their head, rubbing their stomach, and chewing bulk-sized bubble gum blowing three bubbles within each other and Spelling out "BONEHEAD" as seen from the air. Picture THIS if you will even: A man with five arms and 3 teeth with only one leg and an even number of toes. His dog comes to live and he is left with only one cat. The meaning of this pigture is meaningless. The dog is the inverse of leave, the Cat is the entire story, the questions represent negative numbers, the only leg is odd, the five arms are odd but they're not one. Picture THIS if you will: A small furry creedjur smelling out a small furry creedjurette and then finding her and then (WRREEECCHTTTT, this wend the wrong direction for a PIGJUR THIS IF YOU WILL...) -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- PROVERBS A LA BONEHEAD Bonehead Proverb Number # 1: Never stick your head in the sand if a bulldozer is coming to bam into you. Bonehead proverb # number 2: Don't finish a "Picture THIS if you will" thing if you think it mite be embarrassing. But you should let yore mind rove nevertheless. Bonehead Proverb Number # 3: Never stick your head in the garburator to get a close look at the evil, spinning blades of DEATH! Bonehead proverb Number # 4: Don't even think of something that will scare you so much that SPEEGOR comes with a key to unlock something that you never even thought could be unlocked within yourself. Bonehead proverb Number # 5: He who eats of the machine will be one with the machine. Bonehead Proverb Number # 6: Never be afraid of a clock radio, it doesn't even have sharp pointed teeth! Bonehead Proverb Number # 7: Don't get caught up in the glorious euphoria of writing senseless PROVERBS! Bonehead proverb number # 8: Never eat three carrots with two pieces of broccoli--you could die. Scientists proved it. Bonehead Proverb Number # 9: Never clime a cactus wearing a balloon suit, since the meaning of the word "clandestine" eludes us constantly. Bonehead proverb # number 10: When making up proverbs never mix negative words with positive words such that your proverb cancels out and you're left with blankness!!! -- Copyright 1986 The Bonehead. All rights reserved.